Depression…The Equal Opportunist

I am a self described warrior. I have used words like fierce, strong, ambitious, focused, brave and resilient to explain who I am. There isn’t a glaring reason for me to feel lost, stuck, uninspired, weak, tired or like a failure…yet here I am…feeling alllll of those things. Better yet, I am able to put on a front…not that I am “lying” to people…more like, I refuse to appear weak to others.

I recently learned the term “smiling depression”. After reading many definitions of what that actually means, I am convinced that there should be a photo of me right next to the entry in the dictionary. I have been struggling for at least 10 months, if not longer. And to be honest, it really snuck up on me. I am sure you are all wondering…WHY? The short answer is, I am not sure. The longer, more convoluted answer is…the state of our country, politics, vaccines, COVID, protecting my family, not being able to really travel, not being able to really be with people, etc. Do not get me wrong, I have gone a few places, I have a close group of family and friends to spend time with, but you guys…you KNOW it isn’t the same.

My son, he started his grade school education from his bedroom and a laptop…with ME for a “teacher”. I have worked from home since early March of 2020, I THRIVE off of human interaction. Getting in a room with your team and white board to make magic happen. In the last 18 months, I have had zero white board magic and zoom calls are NOT the same…sorry not sorry.

I have also gone through a TON of change in the last 18 months. Most of which has been beautiful change…however change is change…it is a disruption, it shakes things up. My husband and I built our first home together, closed and moved in…March of 2020. We stressed out so much that the closing wouldn’t happen due to COVID and everything shutting down. We got married in November of 2020, which had to be smaller due to COVID and still, we had a COVID scare that changed the ceremony and added stress. I started a new job in January of 2021, so I have been neck deep in learning all the things I need to know to kick ass at my job…why? Because I am a winner and I will always do my best.

So you see, some self imposed change, coupled with CRAZY times in the world and you get the April that finally accepted that she is depressed. I fought long and hard not to have to say the words out loud. I really didn’t want to believe it. My inner voice was constantly telling me to “stay calm, stay cool, this too shall pass”. The last month was what finally did me in, I have stopped doing almost all of the things I enjoy and replaced it with either sleeping or watching Scandal episodes…in between life responsibilities (of course).

Now that I have accepted that this is where I am, my next steps were to reach out to my doctor and get his thoughts. I also see my amazing therapist next week. As a team, we will figure out the best course of action and begin to put the pieces back together again. And rather than continue to hide out and pretend all is well, I want to use this space to talk through this, share my thoughts, take you on a journey with me and maybe get you to laugh along the way.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, urge them to speak to someone and get the help they need. There is NO SHAME in taking care of your mental health. Your brain being “hurt” or “sick” is just the same as having a broken bone, or the flu…we have doctors and if needed, medicine to help.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 800-273-8255.